Mother’s Day 101

17 years ago, while still pregnant with my oldest child, I celebrated my very first official Mother’s Day, the sole day of the year in which mothers are honored by their children … since that time as a mother I have experienced so many fabulous things:

While pregnant I…
*Had more blood taken then you’d find at a crime scene
*Had my organs shifted only to be eventually jumped on
*Had strangers try and touch me; mastered the bob and weave
*Had swollen feet, face and boobs
*Became anemic three times
*Became constipated from the Iron pills to reverse the anemia
*Eventually pooped black tar from being constipated on Iron pills
*Burped up prenatal pills all day
*Pee’d in a cup weekly
*Pee’d in public restrooms daily
*Pee’d in my pants constantly
*Bought stock in Coco Butter
*Acquired many new growths and spots on my previously perfect skin
*And eventually spent unmedicated hours in excruciating pain pushing 3 little people out of me which does wonders to the already displaced organs, not to mention the vagina

Then as a mother of new borns I…
*Was pissed on, shit on and puked on; separately if I was lucky
*Changed 20,000 diapers
*Changed more sheets then a ‘No Tell Motel’ and guessing more frequently
*Lactated, pumped and quite honestly milked at the sound of any crying child in a 10 mile radius
*Assisted with burping, farting and pooping
*Bathed, feed and groomed
*Lotioned, rocked, and soothed
*Taught crawling, walking, and talking
*And sang lullabies on a loop
*All while reading the same books over and over and over

Next as a mother of toddlers I…
*Taught pee’ing standing up
*Taught pee’ing sitting down
*Taught pooping always sitting
*Taught brushing teeth and hair
*Taught manners and sharing
*Taught how to eat with utensils
*Taught dressing and shoe tying
*Kissed boo boo’s, dolls and fears away
*Wiped tears, snot and residual poop
*Removed foreign objects from foreign places
*Had tea parties, car races and talked to stuffed animals
*Stepped on Lego’s in the dark and held back my screams
*And most importantly, found the Disney Channel when on vacation
*All while reading the same books over and over and over

Eventually as a mother of school aged kids I…
*Was escort to three first day’s of school
*Attended back to school nights
*Attended performances
*Attended parent teacher conferences
*Attended countless birthday parties
*Chauffeured to play-dates
*Chauffeured to dance and gymnastics
*Chauffeured to football and basketball
*And for that I heard ‘NO’, ‘I hate you’ and ‘you’re the worst mother ever’
*All while making sure they read new books over and over and over

Now as a mother of teenagers I …
*Learned that I know nothing
*Learned not to question new odors, stains or words
*Learned open communication may be better in theory
*Take the word of other parents that they have manners
*And am really looking forward to their 20’s
*All while asking them when was the last time you read a book over and over and over

In addition, I’ve been on call 24/7 to be…
a doctor, nurse, dentist, teacher, tutor, counselor, coach, referee, restaurant, maid, taxi, hairdresser, manicurist, fashion consultant, laundry mat, pillow, blanket, chair, tour guide, event planner, overall entertainment specialist and of course bank (none of which can be put on a resume)

Furthermore, for all that joy and unconditional love, I continuously sacrifice…
my body, hygiene, wardrobe, sleep, privacy, overpriced sports car, life’s savings and obviously sanity

So clearly I can see where 17 days out of a mere 6,205 is an overwhelming amount of thank you’s for any one woman to handle …

But truth be told, I didn’t become a mother to be thanked or praised, just to be the best mother I could be; and while it’s still a daily uphill battle, I wouldn’t change a second of the constant kid chaos for all the money in the world …

Wishing every woman out there, if you have children of your own or have wiped the nose or ass of someone else’s, a fabulous Mother’s Day on Sunday May 13th and every day!

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