Photoshop Confidence

LADIES LADIES LADIES, can we talk? …. While it is still snow suit weather in the North East, the rest of us have either entered or are about to enter the dreaded ‘Swim Suit Season’ or S3 as us professionals like to call it … what makes me a pro you ask, well I am a Lady (physically anyway) and I own a swim suit, that’s all it takes, credentials met … and I for one take my representation very serious, so seriously that I have given of myself and personal time to spend the entire 3 day weekend on a raft in the Lazy River at the waterpark (which is located nowhere near the poop pool for those keeping track) in a swim suit doing research while my kids ran rapid causing all sorts of havoc on the park and lifeguards, but I’m a giver and gave up all parental supervision requirements for you, and well maybe a fabulous tan but anyway … while I was sacrificing for the good of all women, like all battle, I saw some things I can never unsee but I learned a lot more; first and foremost that I should have stayed in the Tattoo Business because apparently multiple ugly jail house tattoos are in but that’s for me … for you there is so much more that I am here to share and by share I mean help, and by help, I mean help my next bathing suit meeting of ‘the female people’ be that much easier on my eyes, so grab a pen and take notes (or take a screen shoot lazy asses) and learn …. (1) BODIES come in all shapes and sizes, and while they may not all float your boat (or float at all), someone sees them as beautiful or at least there is a doctor waiting that’s in need of a summer home, so do not judge unless you’re Simon Cowell or prepared to be judged yourself; (2) BATHING SUITS, like bodies, also come in all shapes, styles and sizes, so please, no matter your body type, or fabric coverage, buy one that fits, that extra millimeter will do wonders not just for your ass crack but for the viewing public as a whole (pun intended); (3) MOMS, enough with the mom’kini, you’re not fooling anyone; rock those stretchmarks and baby jelly bellys in a fucking bikini, you earned it and if you forgot, that’s how you got pregnant to begin with, plus nothing is worse than a white strectchmarked baby jelly belly torso with savage tan arms and legs, no husband needs to see that EVER (4) Gym Memberships, pfff, cancel them, or better yet donate them to the local High School because from what I’ve witnessed those girls need them much more than anyone in my HS class; the ‘technical teenager generation’ is displaying more flab than fab but they are doing it with Photoshop Confidence so its time you upgrade and strut your fabulous ass that we all know with a little Vaseline can still fit into a pair of Jordache Jeans without 10 reps of squats … and finally but definitely most importantly number 5: BUY A FUCKING SCISSOR AND CUT THE ASS TAG … you’re all welcome … and have a fabulous summer!

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