Ode to Mother’s Day!

15 years ago, while still pregnant with my oldest child, I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day, the sole day of the year in which mothers are honored by their children … since that time as a mother I have experienced so many fabulous things:

• Had more blood taken then you’d find at a crime scene
• Had my organs shifted only to be eventually jumped on
• Had strangers try and touch me; mastered the bob and weave
• Had swollen feet, face and boobs
• Became anemic three times
• Became constipated from the Iron pills to treat the anemia
• Eventually pooped black tar from being constipated on Iron pills
• Burped up prenatal pills all day
• Pee’d in a cup weekly
• Pee’d in public restrooms daily
• Pee’d in my pants constantly
• Bought stock in Coco Butter
• Acquired many new growths and spots on my previously perfect skin
• And eventually spent unmedicated hours in excruciating pain pushing 3 little people out of me which does wonders to the already displaced organs, not to mention the vagina

• Was pissed on, shit on and puked on; separately if I was lucky
• Changed 20,000 diapers
• Changed more sheets then a ‘No Tell Motel’ and guessing more frequently
• Lactated, pumped and quite honestly milked at the sound of any crying child in a 10 mile radius
• Assisted with burping, farting and pooping
• Bathed, feed and groomed
• Lotioned, rocked, and soothed
• Taught crawling, walking, and talking
• And sang lullabies on a loop
• All while reading the same books over and over and over

• Taught pee’ing standing up
• Taught pee’ing sitting down
• Taught pooping always sitting
• Taught brushing teeth and hair
• Taught manners and sharing
• Taught how to eat with utensils
• Taught dressing and shoe tying
• Kissed boo boo’s, dolls and fears away
• Wiped tears, snot and residual poop
• Removed foreign objects from foreign places
• Had tea parties, car races and talked to stuffed animals
• Stepped on Lego’s in the dark and held back my screams
• And most importantly, found the Disney Channel when on vacation
• All while reading the same books over and over and over

• Was escort to three first day’s of school
• Attended back to school nights
• Attended performances
• Attended parent teacher conferences
• Attended countless birthday parties
• Chauffeured to play-dates
• Chauffeured to dance and gymnastics
• Chauffeured to football and basketball
• And for that I heard ‘NO’, ‘I hate you’ and ‘you’re the worst mother ever’
• All while making sure they read new books over and over and over

• Learned that I don’t know anything
• Learned not to question new odors, stains or words
• Learned open communication may be better in theory
• Take the word of other parents that they still have manners
• Believe an epidural should last at least 18 years
• And am really looking forward to their 20’s
• All while asking them when was the last time you read a book over and over and over