New Species of MOM

With two sons only a year apart in age that have been dragging me to their organized sports games from the time they could walk, it is more than fair to say that I’m much more familiar with school boy talk than girls … so last night it was a new exciting experience for me when I was alone with my daughter and her gf in the car for the first time as I drove them to gymnastics … to quote my gf’s text it was ‘so different than fuck this, fuck you or look at my dick’ that I was used to, for the entire 15 miles these 3rd grade girls did not stop talking or singing and I’m pretty sure I saw a dance or two but not for one single second was there silence, it was extremely amazing to witness … but what I didn’t know was that was just the pre-show, the real clucking began once we actually got to the gym, and I’m not talking about them, it was the Gymnastic Moms, where did these women come from and why wasn’t I warned about them … I’ve discovered that while football moms know and talk about football or send the fathers because they don’t want to be outside; basketball moms sit on the indoor bleachers talking shit about the players or other moms because honestly who cares about basketball; dance moms are all about the performance; the private school moms only talk about wine and wine parties, how much they hate or love their husbands, lack of sex and vacations past and future; and public school moms, well they don’t talk too much because they have another job to get to (well except in Malibu, see private school moms) and we know they’re having sex by the kid count; but this new species of mom talks about nannies in rotation, private lessons of this that and the other, and their daughters future as a super model because ‘they are just too lanky for dance or gymnastics even though they look much better doing it with their long limbs than the short girls’ … not sure if I was so disgusted by their ear bleeding high pitched noise, their low expectations of their daughters as future thinking women, their split ends or I just read the signs wrong but that’s when I took my cue to stand up to show these under achieving stage moms what tall and lanky really looked like, I’m sorry, I meant introduce myself … while I believed it would have been rude if I didn’t try to make a good first impression, I’m not too sure I got the warm new girl welcome to the club I was expecting, but it definitely stopped the cackling and I was finally able to concentrate on watching my daughter and her gf practice in silence … then as a bonus to me (and the girls for working so hard), after class we stopped for beverages at Burger King and I overheard the important drive-thru girl with the headset repeat the question ‘which has less calories?’ being bellowed from the car of what I can assume are short dance moms at the order board, to which I yelled ‘fucking weight watchers’ … not sure if the mic was on but she laughed from what appeared to be the first time all day, and if I had to guess, I’d say she was definitely a football mom … if you’ve learned nothing from this, please just be supportive of your kids regardless of their height and have a fabulous weekend!

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