A dozen fabulous things I learned after my kids started elementary school

1. Always shower like someone is watching 

2. Doors, passwords and wallets are for other people’s privacy 
3. Someone’s favorite outfit is always discovered in the dirty laundry right as I’m heading to bed
4. Even the dogs are finished eating dinner before I start
5. If school work was in the form of radio lyrics all kids would be prodigies 
6. All bodily functions and noises are funny unless they are mine, then they are gross
7. While ironically the bathroom always doubles as a conference room only while I’m using it
8. After Happy Meals, fast food is no longer fast or cheap but sometimes a sanity savior 
9. I can tell the difference in the urgency level of a single word: ‘mom’ ‘Mom’ ‘MOm’ ‘mOM’ or ‘MOM’
10. If I ever forget who ‘my favorite’ is, the one getting in trouble always tells me
11. I am much older and less cool than I think I am
12. And I’m still a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner and a saint and I do not feel ashamed

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