Tanna’s List … Classifieds

Married mother of three (3) searching for SURROGATE EX-HUSBAND (gay or straight) to pay me child support and share an extremely flexible custody calendar; fully paid medical and dental a bonus but not required – tired of being punished for staying married while all my divorced peers get to enjoy kid free weekends (at a minimum) as well as payment for the freedom.

Don’t get me wrong, those women deserve every red cent and free moment they’re getting, if not more (trust me I’ve met some of their douche bag EX’s); and yes, during the last 30 yrs. (that’s 10 California marriages for those keeping score) my husband and I have been tempted by the exhilarating life style of rotating holidays and hostile co-parenting drop off schedules at least once or twice, but it turned out in the end that we actually loved each other more then we hated each other (at that moment anyway), not to mention attorney bills; and quite frankly I think he’s truly afraid to leave me unsupervised. Whatever the reason, we’re still married and biological parents to three ‘very well behaved around other people’ children that all share the same last name; and I believe we, more specifically me, deserve to be rewarded for honoring all that ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part’, blah blah blah blissful bullshit we were sold and should no longer be fully penalized financially, mentally and most importantly sexually for vows that I agreed to while suffocating in a tight virginal white dress that didn’t even mention the word ‘children’ once! (Guess a lot of misleading’s were presented that day)

THE JOB:

Keeping three (3) potty trained, semi-house broken, beautiful, brilliant, spoiled, lazy, technology savvy and dependent children, ages 8, 12 & 13, entertained, happy and fed 24/7 during your allotted custody days, while keeping yourself alive, awake and hydrated (personal happiness, health or hygiene not mandatory). As gratitude to me for not only giving birth to these amazing little life sucking miracles but agreeing to keep them away from your life a majority of the time, you issue me one big fat payment monthly or two bi-weekly (like any other EX, you do get to make one major decision and that’s it, choose wisely) via ACH direct deposit ONLY to the secret offshore account of my choice.

After four (4) years you’ll be guaranteed a promotion to college tuitions and if you’re are lucky enough to still have any finances or assets left after twelve (12) consecutive years of educational advancement (some overlapping), wedding costs thereafter, but I’m not that hopeful for all three making it to the alter, you’ll know what I mean soon enough.

CUSTODY MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS

Language Preference:
MUST be fluent in English, Sarcasm and Acronyms – who am I kidding, they don’t listen, any language will do

Gender:
MUST be Male – sorry females you only make 70% of what they do and every penny counts here

Transportation:
MUST own a car, plane and boat – you never know where they will NEED to be 5 mins ago

Healthcare:
MUST be insured – you’ll never question how valuable outpatient mental health care is again

Religion and Politics:
Praying helps after an in-depth playground politics discussions

CUSTODY SKILLS

Proficient in but not limited to:
• Unconditional LOVE – You’ll need to LOVE doing all the following unconditionally or at least be smart enough to fake it … and of course the children duh!
• Saying ‘YES’ – ‘NO’ is my job
• Repeating yourself – See ‘Language Preference’ above
• Food ordering – One wrong condiment and you’d wish you weren’t born
• Food Likes and Dislikes – Changes daily so you’re on your own, good luck!
• Clothing and Shoe Shopping – Like car buying, all items depreciate after you leave the lot and they’ll still have nothing to wear
• Game/Toy purchasing – Bought the day it hits shelve and yes, their friends already have it and they need it to maintain those virtual online relationships
• Understanding ‘Out of Stock’ is not an acceptable answer – Have you not heard of the internet? no matter cost, time or location item is found and bought
• School Projects – Always due the following morning and it’s much easier to do it yourself then teach them a lesson (teachers count on this, don’t let them down)
• School Parties – Treats must be homemade while peanut, gluten and lactose free; safer to stick with paper products, they’re ultimately the same ingredients
• School Attendance – ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night’ you’re a Male-man, find any way possible to get them there and keep them there; don’t cave to the thermometer or a little vomit, send them back to the source
• School performances/ceremonies – There is one for everything, expect 180 a year plus awards and be grateful if there are less
• Friends – You’ll have none outside of the drop off/pickup line, make your time there count … but they’ll have tons; learn their names as well as their parents’, step-parents, siblings, step-siblings and pets, you’ll hear many stories and will be expected to be knowledgeable and participate (flashcards are helpful)
• Playdates/Sleepovers – AOPH encouraged (at other people’s houses)
• Sports/Dance – Does the phrase ‘being at two places at once’ ring a bell? You’ll wish it was that easy!
• Refereeing – Not sports, at home; unless you see blood or bones its safest to stay off the field and never, I repeat NEVER, take sides that’s a rookie mistake
• Music – Yours is old, theirs is graphic and crude, accept it and invest in headsets
• Vocabulary – See ‘Music‘ above
• Laundry – Everything they want or need to wear is in it; if you start wash their clothes while they are still wearing them you may have a chance
• Housekeeping/Dishes/Trash or Anything that doesn’t require a USB Port – hahahahahahahahaha
• All Personal Hygiene – Apparently the sense of smell kicks in after puberty; treat them like cactus: you don’t want to sit too close and they should be watered at least once a week
• Multitasking – See all of the above, you’ll be doing them all at the same time
• Mind Reading – Again see all of the above, none will be conveyed to you on time, EVER!

Failure in any will ultimately result in an all out tantrum (varies by age) and their perception of how little you actually love them or care about their social status, therefore destroying the world as they know it and life forever … but no pressure

NOTE: This is the beginners list; advanced list which includes pets, bedtimes, vacations, birthday parties, etc. will be furnished upon request

CUSTODY SELECTION PROCESS

An exam will be administered consisting of an evaluation in the following topics:
ATM withdrawal speed
Vacation planning
GPS programming
Gift wrapping
Head nodding
Grocery bag carrying and emptying

Serious inquires only please and if you don’t have a pot to piss in or your last name is Duggar or Cosby, DO NOT apply, and no one is calling you ‘Daddy’ sicko!

Qualified Candidates please send most recent Bank Statements (all accounts, including hidden), Tax Returns (both IRS and actual versions), authentic P&L’s (this isn’t an audit) and family stock portfolio with copies of all Wills you’re benefactor of, as well as twelve (12) personal and verifiable references because you can bet your ass you’ll be vetted!

Salary DOE (Depends on Equity)

OH, must love dogs … NO cats, one’s allergic!

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