To All Fabulous Moms

14 years ago, while still pregnant with my oldest child, I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day, the sole day of the year in which mothers are honored by their children … since that time I have experienced so many fabulous things:

I…
*Had more blood taken then you’d find at a crime scene
*Had my organs shifted only to be eventually jumped on
*Had strangers try and touch me; mastered the bob and weave
*Had swollen feet, face and boobs
*Became anemic three times
*Became constipated from the Iron pills to reverse the anemia
*Eventually pooped black tar from being constipated on Iron pills
*Burped up prenatal pills all day
*Pee’d in a cup weekly
*Pee’d in public restrooms daily
*Pee’d in my pants constantly
*Bought stock in Coco Butter
*Acquired many new growths and spots on my previously perfect skin
*And eventually spent unmedicated hours in excruciating pain pushing 3 little people out of me which does wonders to the already displaced organs, not to mention the vagina

Then I…
*Was pissed on, shit on and puked on; separately if I was lucky
*Changed 20,000 diapers
*Changed more sheets then a ‘by the hour’ motel and guessing more frequently
*Lactated, pumped and quite honestly milked at the sound of any crying child in a 10 mile radius
*Assisted with burping, farting and pooping
*Bathed, feed and groomed
*Lotioned, rocked, and soothed
*Taught crawling, walking, and talking
*And sang lullabies on a loop
*All while reading the same books over and over and over

Next I…
*Taught pee’ing standing up
*Taught pee’ing sitting down
*Taught pooping always sitting
*Taught brushing teeth and hair
*Taught manners and sharing
*Taught how to eat with utensils
*Taught dressing and shoe tying
*Kissed boo boo’s, dolls and fears away
*Wiped tears, snot and residual poop
*Removed foreign objects from foreign places
*Had tea parties, car races and talked to stuffed animals
*Stepped on Lego’s in the dark and held back my screams
*And most importantly, found the Disney Channel when on vacation
*All while reading the same books over and over and over

Eventually I…
*Was escort to three first day’s of school
*Attended back to school nights
*Attended performances
*Attended parent teacher conferences
*Attended countless birthday parties
*Chauffeured to play-dates
*Chauffeured to dance and gymnastics
*Chauffeured to football and basketball
*and for that I heard ‘NO’, ‘I hate you’ and ‘you’re the worst mother ever’
*All while making sure they read new books over and over and over

Additionally I’ve been on call 24/7…
To be: a doctor, nurse, dentist, teacher, tutor, counselor, coach, referee, restaurant, maid, taxi, hairdresser, manicurist, fashion consultant, laundry mat, pillow, blanket, chair, tour guide, event planner, overall entertainment specialist and of course bank (none of which can be put on a resume)

Plus, for all that joy and unconditional love, I sacrificed…
My body, hygiene, wardrobe, sleep, privacy, overpriced sports car, life’s savings and obviously sanity …

So clearly I can see where 14 days out of a mere 5,110 is an overwhelming amount of thank you’s for any one woman to handle …

But truth be told, I didn’t become a mother to be thanked or praised, just to be the best mother I could be and while it’s still an uphill battle daily, I wouldn’t change a second of the constant kid chaos for all the money in the world …

Wishing every woman out there, if you have children of your own or have wiped the nose or ass of someone else’s, a fabulous Mother’s Day!

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